byronedwards.com

Pharmacist

“She’s training in the pharmacy… to be a farmer.”
“A pharmacist?”
“Yeah, a pharmacist.”
- Mother & daughter in shop queue.

Cake

“Cake? Yes please – and make sure it’s the biggest piece.”
- Overweight mother to daughter in self-serve cafeteria.

Posh

“It’s a school… a posh school.”
- Boy on train pointing towards the mental hospital.

T-Bones

“T-Bone, T-Bone – Want a tip? Get on this T-Bone… ahahaha…”
- Builder

Beans

“Someone must have split the beans on him…”
- My mother

Noodles

“Aww I’ve got a cupboard load of noodles, loads of noodles, piles of noodles.
I’m like Delia Smith there…”
- Woman on train

The funniest joke you’ve ever heard…

If someone were to ask you what was the funniest joke you’d ever heard, would one spring to mind? Since my father told me this joke when I was around 15 years old I can’t remember laughing so much or being so out of breath after a punchline. Enjoy.

Three scientists decide to experiment on how fat a pig can get after 3 months of feeding and no bowel movements. They select their pig and shove a cork in the obvious end. The pig then feeds for the next three months getting bigger and bigger until it is HUGE!

After the 3 months has passed they decide the experiment is over and look to remove the cork. Thinking that there could be a lot of “waste”, they train a monkey to remove the cork on the sound of a whistle. The three scientists then decide to stand at 50 yard intervals behind the pig to observe the explosion. On the whistle the monkey removes the cork…

The whoosh, the stench and the amount of waste is like nothing they could have imagined!

The first scientist at 150 yards away is ankle deep in shit and wades forwarded to the second scientist at the 100 yard interval who is up to his belt level in the nasty stuff!

Completely disgusted and almost faint with the smell they both wade to the first scientist. They reach where he should be, but can’t find him. Muffled sounds point to him being completely buried!

They dig him out only to find him laughing hysterically.

“What’s up with you? You’re covered in shit, what’s so funny?”

Clutching his sides and barely managing to speak through his fit of giggles, the first scientist says, “You should have seen the monkey trying to put the cork back in!”

It must be…

“It must be really nice to run a cattery or a doggery…”
- Denise

You

“Yooouuuuuu… yaaaaaaaaaaa… yawwaaaaaaaa… ooooooooooouuuuu… hahaha…”
- 6.00am, drunk man stumbling home past our house

Rough

“I have to say this, you look bloody rough tonight…”
“Err – you had to?”
- Girl & checkout assistant